I miss doing philosophy with my mom… :)
I thought I moved on, that the whole religious scene is behind me. For once in a long time, my life was quiet without any drama. Indeed, it’s quiet…. but empty.
Only to realize that we can’t really run away from God. Little did I know, He has a plan to pull me back. To remind me of who I am, of my first love. My heart was pretty much set on NOT going back to church.
At work, all my colleagues are either Atheists, Agnostics, Deists… (well you get the picture). When I arrived in that place not a single Christian can be found. And to be honest, I was happy about that. The last thing I would want is a reminder of that. I thought “I need a change”.
My career is doing well, I love every single person in the office to bits. I’m the shiny, smiling person there. If you’ll look at us in a superficial view, I seemed to be the happiest person there. And for a while there, I absolutely believed that I am. Pushing that emptiness down where even I can’t find it.
After a few months, the Christians arrived (LOL seemed like I made them sound like the Communists). First was the new PM, I absolutely adore that woman, well I admire her. Why? I don’t know. All I know is that she seemed to be nice. Only to find out she’s a Christian.
And of course so typical in offices to have a crush. For some odd reason I don’t understand why a Senior Project Manager (me) would be placed to sit beside a new Art Director. I was expecting to be placed beside a new Project Manager to train, not an Art Director?
But yup, I was totally attracted to him, like, absolutely. That type of crush that’s almost annoying. Even I annoy myself sometimes. LOL! He just seem to carry so much joy, and I want a share of that joy. Goodness, I’m addicted to his joy. Nothing else, just that joy.
Only to find out this guy is a Christian. And mind you, not your typical Christian (seat fillers) this guy is absolutely sold out for God. I mean, even his doctrine is so sound. Where has this guy been all my life? LOL! (Goodness, obsessing again).
Well I find myself longing for us to talk about God. I remember after a long time of not even mentioning “God” to anyone, I cried to this guy about my pain. For the first time, I allowed my pain to surface. After that talk, I realized. “Hold on, I’m not obsessed with this guy. I’m obsessed with his God.”
Indeed, it took a crush for me to realize that I want God so so badly. That I can’t take it anymore. I need to have Him in my life. My heart feels like it’s about to explode after realizing my emptiness without Him. I need Him. I don’t want to sound oh so religious, but I absolutely can not live without Him. I can not shut my door for so long before I feel that piercing pain of Him not being in my life. I know He never let me go, I know. It was always me, it was always me who has the issues. Always me, who tends to run away.
2011, year to remember, year of bad decisions and the year that messed me up.
Remembering my church is— I think— one of the most painful memories I currently have. To be bluntly honest, if I can forget it all, I would. I’m tired of teary-eyed-cab rides that I’m having on my way to work. Movies and my endless chatter is one way that I keep myself pre-occupied.
Here I am in my desk at work. No emails. No clients bugging me. No nothing. And again, trying to keep tears from falling. I don’t want to remember anymore. I want to move on from them, but where to?
I want to be as casual as I can be when I see them, but how can I? They have been my way of life, my family. Pictures, posts, statuses of how happy they are. I am happy for them, I’m not happy for me. :)
Somehow feeling invaluable, I was disposable all along. Though I practically introduced them all to each other… Plans that I used to have, ideas, now they are executing…without me.
Yes, it’s painful. But what can I do? I was the one who left. Maybe somehow wishing someone would reach out. No one did. At least, not the ones that I cared for. Praying, crying to God to heal me from this. I just want to heal.
Obsessing… Didn’t know that there’s a post rock/post hardcore Christian band around. Just perfect.
Having bipolar is so complicated. I’m a very emotional person and I tend to go extremes. Finding the balance in things is not really my specialty. I’m an all or nothing kind of person. Either I give it my all or nothing at all (like the song). Because of my condition, my faith is also seasonal. Sometimes, I’m very much on fire for God, and sometimes I’m just going through the motions.
I thought it was just me, but then I realize everyone is undergoing these seasons. Seasons when we’re so hyped up for God, and seasons when we are struggling and barely holding on.
Through the years, I always find it annoying when I’m all hyped up and then the next thing I know, it’s gone. I thought “What am I doing wrong here? What’s going on?”. Then one day I heard the phrase “when you decided to be a Christian”. Only then did I realize that being a Christian is not an emotion, it’s a decision. The real Born Again experience was when we decided to live for God, not when we feel like we want to be a Christian because it’s fun or because we like someone in the church (hahaha), or any other reason. So then, I thought, “now I know that I need to decide, but how do I keep it real?”
In 1 Peter 1: 22- 25 NIV
Since you have in obedience to the truth purified your souls for a sincere love of the brethren, fervently love one another from the heart, for you have been born again not of seed which is perishable but imperishable, that is, through the living and enduring word of God.
For, “ALL FLESH IS LIKE GRASS, AND ALL ITS GLORY LIKE THE FLOWER OF GRASS. THE GRASS WITHERS, AND THE FLOWER FALLS OFF,
BUT THE WORD OF THE LORD ENDURES FOREVER.” And this is the word which was preached to you.
I found that there’s only one way to keep our faith real and imperishable, and that’s the Word of God. A constant reading of our Bible will always draw us closer to God. There’s no other way, really. We can keep on attending our churches, memorize all the songs that’s being sang. But, without reading your Bible you can’t really know God on a personal level. You might get a dose of Word through your pastors, but that’s their personal revelation from God, passed down to you. Don’t you want to get a personal revelation from God, personally? You need to know God on a personal level, and believe me, it’s awesome! And God wants to reveal Himself to you. The Bible is His Word, and He wants to speak to You.
We can have a huge dose of church, a huge dose of worship. But without a huge dose of God’s Word. It’s going to be a struggle.
In the end, when we are down to nothing… God is always…. always… more than enough.
He does… holds our universe… There’s comfort in that.
hi po nbsa q po ung "Everything Changes…" paran amlungkot lunkot nio po... Life goes on po
Asketh - Anonymous
thanks sa concern :) God bless
The lesson I learned recently is that sometimes even the strongest principles, beliefs or relationships you have, can change. Sometimes slowly, sometimes in a glimpse.
How happiness, laughter, and fellowship turn into sadness, tears and the feeling of being alone. How the best days of the week can be the worst. How the things you look forward for in the past, now, is just a memory too painful to even reminisce.
I’m not just broken for me, I’m broken for the people that these tragedy affects. Yes, I call it a “tragedy”. Maybe a simple embrace and fellowship could mend our hearts, maybe not.
If time permits for us to be together again, I know it’ll be a wonderful day. Till then, don’t go too far. Not from me, but from what we believe in.